How sick is it that I want to make myself feel bad..just so I can cut?

I'm a self harmer, I've been cutting and burning and leaving bruises on my body (and lots of other things) for over a year. For the past two days I've been feeling happier than normal, but it scares me. I almost want to make myself feel bad just so I can cut. When I cut, the feeling I get is indescribable. But I can't get the same feeling unless I feel like crap first. If I cut while I'm feeling fine like I am now, it actually hurts and doesn't do any good. But if I do it when I feel really down, I can't feel it at all and it makes me feel extremely happy. I know it's sick but I don't know what to do. It's making me feel anxious because I can't control my emotions very well. I don't know what to do.